Sam Venable  

Special Contributor

Halloween is just around the corner. If you’ve got six bucks burning a hole in your pocket, I know how to put out the fire and boost our sagging economy at the same time.    

Simply fork over that dough for a “deluxe jack-o’-lantern carving kit” like the one I saw in a store the other day.

Hoo-boy. This is one of those items I classify as UMGOMS (Useless as Mammary Glands on Male Swine).

What do you get for your money?

A cheap knife, for starters. Also detailed instructions on how to turn an ordinary pumpkin into a jack-o’-lantern. Plus all manner of stencils for the eyes, nose, teeth and other facial parts, and a small candle for the innards.

Please understand that I am a firm believer in capitalism. I bow to the principle of supply and demand. I have no qualms with those who accept money for teaching a special skill.

But a jack-o’-lantern carving kit? Why not charge a fee to teach people how to eat a sandwich? Or enroll children in a special school where they can learn how to whine?

Knowing how to carve a jack-o’-lantern is instinctive in our culture. It’s like knowing how to scratch an itch. If a skeeter nails you on the leg, you don’t have to read a book or attend graduate school to know how to claw the welt with your fingernails, do you?

What’s worse is this business of stencils. Jack-o’-lanterns are supposed to be individuals, for Pete’s sake. God did not intend for them to be mass produced like vegetative Kens and Barbies. If so, He would have made sure they grew in the same size, shape, and color.

On the outside chance there is someone among us who does not know how to carve a jack-o’-lantern, I will be happy to assist.

The first thing to do is spread a newspaper on the kitchen table and set the pumpkin on top of it. Next, go find a knife. One with a long, slender, slightly serrated blade is best, but it really doesn’t matter. You can even use your favorite fish filleting knife, for all I care. As long as it will slice without excessive sawing and hacking, you’re OK.

Cut a large, circular hole on top, up there around the stem. (Isn’t it handy how the stem grew in just the right place to provide a handle?) Then use a spoon or your hands to remove the seeds and gunk inside.

Caution—this stuff is slimy and looks like orange hair. It smells heavenly, however; pumpkin-scented aftershave would make a marvelous holiday gift item. Throw away the orange hair, but save the seeds. You can feed ’em to the birds, or else you can toast them in the oven and eat ’em yourself, like one of those health food nuts.

Now comes the fun part: carving the face. If you want a textbook-perfect job, sketch a rough outline of the eyes, nose, and mouth on the outside of your pumpkin. Otherwise, just start cutting. Make two eyes (I prefer triangles), a nose (another triangle), and a mouth. Be sure to include jagged teeth.

Then go find an old candle, like the one you’ve been saving since the electricity went out three winters ago—yeah, the one you always knock off the shelf in the hall closet when you’re searching for a roll of tape. Stick the candle into a small holder, put the holder inside the pumpkin and—tah-dah!—your very own, all-American jack-o’-lantern.

There is no charge for this information.

(On the other hand, if those six bucks are still screaming to get out of your pocket, I do know about a caring, benevolent, charitable ministry that is dedicated to spreading the wealth. It’s called the “Sam Venable Fun Fund Foundation.” Any and all donations are happily accepted. Cash only, please.)

Hate to brag, but this ol’ boy didn’t ride into town on the first load of punkins. 

Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (Tennessee) News Sentinel.